The Great Sue Hunt
by Goldenwod
Summary: The ghosts of Hogwarts have found...a Mary Sue! Snape has forced the Trio and The Weasley twins read it. Watch as Hermione breaks down over Grammar and Spelling mistakes.
1. The Hunt Assembles

The Great Sue Hunt

The Headless Hunt was assembled.

Which was odd as only Sir Patrick was there waiting in a room behind a desk, in front of the desk was a circle of comfy couches, awaiting the arrival of Nearly-Headless Nick.

There was a lack of a knock on the door as Nick floated through it.

"Ah! Hello Sir Nicholas!" Sir Patrick said jovially.

"I understand sir that you have changed you opinion on my joining the Headless Hunt" Nearly Headless Nick said excitedly.

"Well yes, but our activities have how shall I put it…changed temporarily"

"How so?"

"There has been a disturbing…magical outburst and the situation is far too volatile for it to continue"

Grimacing Sir Patrick put a violently fluorescent green book on the desk in front of him.

"Sir Patrick...how are you able to hold that?"

"It is a work of utmost evil. I have no doubt it was forged by the dark lord itself"

The door opened again. This time Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley and The Weasley twins entered, along with Professor Snape.

"Professor Snape may I ask why I have the pleasure of your visit. With students."

"After reviewing the contents of the…book I have seen it as an appropriate punishment for these students."

"You read it?"

"I read a few pages"

"But you-"

"I see no problem with it I have here a note to support this punishment signed by Mister Argus Filch"

"Strictly speaking Mr Filch isn't- "

Hermione was stopped by a slap to the back of her head.

"Miss Granger if you insist on speaking out of turn you and your friends shall be punished further"

"May I ask why they are to be given this punishment?" Nearly Headless Nick asked wearily.

"They were out after hours in the halls"

"You don't understand Neville lost his toad again-"

"Mister Weasley you have been warned do you wish to be punished further?"

"Professor Snape if you insist on giving this punishment I must implore you to sit in and make sure they do not go out of line"

Snapes face darkened.

"If you insist"

All assembled sat, or floated over the couches.

"Sir Nick if you could please begin?"

"If you insist"

_the princess of magic by awesumwitcheprincezz_

"What?"

"You will find her spelling and grammar, however non-existent they are at the start will only worsen."

Hermione paled.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A/N: So yeah…I mainly operate in the humour and parody area. This is inspired by Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around by Crazyroninchick, of the Lord of the Rings fandom, Why Canon and Fanon don't mix by aldssg of the Inheritance Cycle fandom and Supernatural meets Sue-pernatural by Cassie Winchester. I recommend them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. The First Chapter Is Read

The Great Sue Hunt

_the princess of magic_

_Milela adirai gerty (lol dont call her that or she will hurt u!) shililililililililieeeee riddle (A/N itz totally a secret and nebodee who spoileded this will be flamezzzzedered11111!!!!!!!!)_

There was a stunned silence.

"She…she's Voldemort's _daughter_?" Harry looked distinctly green/

Sir Patrick stood up…well floated a bit higher

"It is quite a common thing for these," He grimaced "Things to be The Dark Lords daughter, or Snape's, Dumbledore's, Hagrids of even Filch's magical, freakishly beautiful daughter. They usually end up destroying Voldemort and marrying Harry"

At this Harry looked distinctly green and received some sympathy pats from Ron

"Sweet Merlin is this the girls _name? Who would name their child that WHO?" _Nearly Headless Nick said incredulously.

"This is the Sue. Logic, Reason and Spelling are completely ignored" Sir Patrick said gloomily.

_butterflyponysparkles skywalker_

"Does this ever end?!"

"Sir Nicholas! Please can we get this over with!"

_jane arewen(She is totalee prettier than arewen I love gorniekins!!!!!24 he izz hotttttttttttttttttttttttt arewen is a preppy and sukzzzzz)Elrond Jamie alexis Martha arewen legolas prettyprincezz666 wole up._

"Wole? How does one Wole up?"

"How does somebody get so many names?" George asked incredulously "Also, whos Arewen and gorniekins?"

"Why is Arewen in her name twice?" Asked Ron

"I think she might mean Arwen and Aragorn" Said Hermione, seeming relieved that she could spurt facts to retain her sanity. "They're characters in a trilogy of muggle books. He's a human king who is in love with an immortal elven lady"

Fred scrunched up his face "Who in their right mind would marry an elf? How ugly and blind is he?"

"Elves in the books are humanoid and exceedingly beautiful and long lived in the story, they waited decades to marry" Hermione stated, looking superior.

This earned her a slap to the head from Snape .

"That takes your total of chapters to read up to four Miss Granger"

_Todey shwe was going to go to Hogwarts coz she wass goinggg to be killeredd by her uncle eviklfea._

"What?"

"I believe it is her uncles name"

_Becooz she was harf Veela_

"THAT she spells right…" Hermione growled, her left eye twitching

"Do you want me to-"

"I'm FINE Ronald"

_She wazz pretty with white-blavk-purple-fluro green (My favoyte colour homies!!!1)_

"Homies?" Ron said confusedly, looking at Hermione for an answer

"Muggle slang"

_Purple-violet-aqua-red-brown-grey-silver-blac (oh di I meshon she can change her hair? Shees like Tonks. But preetier)k she was also the princess of magic. _

"WHAT"

"Utterly Preposterous"

_The problem waz after dumglebor had killed both of her parents, Sirius black had hidden her in 13 Grimmauld Place_

"Did she just….not make a spelling mistake?" Fred smiled

" Perhaps theres hope" George said, grim determination to get through this showing on his face.

"Yes but she is accusing Dumbledore of murder"

"Doest this twit have no respect?"

"Obviously not?"

_Kreacher hadd beeen a buigg meanie and had mayder her kleen and kleen and kleen, threatanying to destroye her pocketwatchy thing (A/N:Did I mention that she is taotaly the doctors daughter? Not that blonde preppy biotch who got killed) xo anyway she was going to Hogwarts on her mission to kill dugljore ded._

"Kill him dead?" Hermione was elbowed in the side by Ron

"Shut up and it'll go faster:

_Becoz he kildled her parentsx_

"She already-"

"Shhhhhhh!"

Hermione growled.

_Beauwesed he wanted to be king of magic but she wudd stop him!!!!!111!!!_

_And maybe she wodd make harry her king_

Harry paled further

_Or may bee malfoyyyyy===erw;piwuehrbgfn.,sdrmvn;etrkjgny;w54unh(A/N soree my pet cat ran across the keyboooard AND I CANT DELETE THAT ITS JUST SO CUTE)_

_Either were realyyyy hottt_

_Lol rr pleez!_

_Awesumwitcheprincezz_

**A/N: Words cannot describe how much I laughed when I wrote her fourth name. Every time I read it I think of a person undulating I think is the word. To further rip off other stories flame the inner story and the hellspawn will respond. By the way what does Preppy mean? Feel free to quote Inigo but I assumed it meant something along the lines of stuck up b***h.**


	3. Nick saves the day! Sorta

The Great Sue Hunt

Nearly Headless Nick silently passed the florescent green book to Harry, with all the reverence of a flustered cat who had been rudely awakened, accidentally whacking Harry in the back of the head with it.

"Sir Patrick!" Nick said anxiously "Surely you can now tell me the reason as to why I am here?"

"Well yes you see the…atrocity has been leaking into our world."

"I'm Sorry?"

"There have been reports of a girl occasionally appearing in the castle who has hair which randomly changes colour, and as such I have figured out a way to keep her in the story, or at least I hope I have."

"And how is that" Said Ron "Let her at Harry? Or Malfoy? Actually that's a good id-"

"That's five chapters now Mr Weasley."

That earned him some glares.

Sir Patrick continued. "As you will see in this chapter, I managed to enter the story and attack the Sue-"

Cheers from all assembled, except Snape.

"Thank You. I managed to make off with her hairclip."

He opened the desk draw.

"How are you able to do that you're a ghost" Harry said surprised.

"The Headmaster found a way to enchant thing so we can use them."

"But there's no spell-"

"There is. No I will not tell you what it is I will not have you Weasleys enchanting walls and doors solid" Sir Patrick said glaring at the twins.

He took out the hair clip. It. Was. Hideous. It was pink butterfly shape set with pink blue and green stones. It was the size of a hand.

"As this has come to light I have decided that you, Sir Nicholas will do everything you can to isolate the girl, pull her out of the story and bring her to Dumbledore."

Nearly Headless Nick asked Harry to open the book to the last page they had read. Glaring at the book with indescribable hate, he asked as to how he would go into it.

"Simply concentrate on being there"

"There was a soft popping noises as Nick disappeared.

"Mr. Potter you still have four more chapter to read."

Harry gulped and started to read

_The princezz of magic_

_Mily (A/N iznt her nickname kawaii) wos on the hogwartzz express. She had used her totally kawaii forcepowers so she had an compartment all to herself_

"Forcepowers?"

"kawaii?"

"Hogwartzz?"

_. She waz wearefsging a black leather mini skirt a long black trenchcoat black nee hi boots and a black halter top and a smeel hair clip. All of a sudden a ghostly man came In and said his name was Nearly Headless Nick._

Cheers and claps sounded

"_omg I kno u r the haws ghost"_

_He grabbed at her hair._

_:lyke noooooooo!!!!!!!1111!!!#342!!!!!!! __"_

_Luckily all he had gottten awey wit wazz her hairlip which totally sucked coz her muuom had gotting it for her. Just then harry potteyr came I and set dwn nexxxt topo her and kizzed her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Harry started choking.

_Iym soree but I wanted to do tat zince I saw you he saiud kissing her agin!!!!!!11111_

_Just then hemionee came in totalyay making out with crabbe._

Hermione grabbed her wand and all hell broke lose. There was a clap of light and she was gone

"How the bloody hell did she do that" Ron asked

_Omg hermyonee wut r u doinfg?????!!!!_

_Harry screamed._

_Ur totally cheating on meeeeee!!!!!! He started to cry Milly_** (A/N: Seriously. I cannot be bothered so I just gave her a name I could actually pronounce and spell)**_** (A/N: omg hermionninny you bioych)g**_

_Glareddd at her _

_Hoewe ken u chet on harre he is my soul mate go away slut_

_Hemoninny ran out crying_

_When she tyrrnned aroond harry was smiling_

_So iyme ur soulmate_

_She booshed._

Ho does one boosh?"

"I think she means blush"

_They totallee made out all the way to hogwartx_

_Rnr pleez!!!!!_

**A/N: Woo three chapters in three days. I am awesome. By the way yes when Nick is around her spelling il get better.**


	4. Hunting: Starts soon

The Great Sue Hunt

Harry, George, Fred, Ron, Sir Patrick and Snape all sat on the couches, staring at the book.

"I. Am. Not. Reading. Any. More. Of. That. Out. Loud" Harry growled, promptly chucking the book at Georges head.

"Well I'm not-"

"Mr. Weasley if you do not want to read another chapter past what you have been punished to, you will read"

Glaring at Harry, George began to read.

_The princess fo magick_

_Milly gotted of the hogwartz xpress, still red from making out with haree all de way fere. She sawed the castle and pouted,preetilly, nd too out her wand (A/N: Itzz xacteley like harrys omg but preetier nd kuter)dere wazz no way she wass gooeing to leev there in dat fugly castle so she changed it_

_Preeteus makus!_

_Milly wut weering a dress that was wyt and sparkly nd wa weering a crown (A?N: Shee totalle looked like arwen at the eend of the lst mvie. But preetier) she booshed az all da boys sked to merre her. Bt shee was sad so sheee teleported all her palz there they weer all prretie (A/N but not az preetier az her) nd al da boyz asked them too merrie them too. They spent all seven years ruling da skool nd milly becem da Queen of Magic. Omg it waz awesome nd she mareed harry nd found out she waz voldemortdd baby girl nd made him gud nd made harrys parents live agen but thry dedded agin n she had a girl and named her Auror._

_The hend_

There was a great rumbling as the room suddenly became a sparkly white.

"What the hell?"

Sir Patrick frowned.

"It would seem that the magic has broken through."

Suddenly Sir Nick came out of the book.

"Sir Patrick! I couldn't stop her She-"

"It is quite fine…if you will excuse me"

Sir Patrick opened the window and shouted.

"HARRY POTTER IS IN HERE!!!"

Silence.

And them-

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11#$%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"It would seem that the sues have taken over our world"

Snape whipped out his wand.

"I shall find the other teachers."

"I warn you" Sir Patrick said as Snape reached the door "Some of these Sues have…odd tastes"

Snape nodded and went out the door, shutting it behind him.

"O EM GEEEEE ITS "

There was a scream as he was tackled.

"hyll no biotch his mkine"

There was a sound of scuffles as Snape came back in, the sound of two girls fighting outside.

"The school has been overrun. We should find some way to communicate with the teachers"

Sir Patrick floated upwards, giving the impression of standing up.

"There is only one thing to do"

"Leave Harry outside and hope they fight eachother to the death?" This was from George.

"No Mr Weasley" Said Sir Patrick ominously.

"We must hunt the Sue"

**A/N: Story Development! Yay!, I will have to say that now that I am actually getting into the story, updates will slow down, and I will try to get one up every few days. Schoolwork! Not so yay.**


	5. Hunting: Still hasn't started yet

Harry paced the room.

'How are we supposed to hunt the Sue?" He asked

"I don't know" Sir Patrick said with a shrug of his transparent shoulders.

"If the…vile perversion of nature can change so drastically Hogwarts Castle, we can assume only that it is beyond us to kill it"

Harry opened the door and pulled in one of the Sues, who was looking considerably worse for wear. He also slammed the door on the other Sue who now went worryingly quiet.

"Potter what are you-"

Snapes query was ended by the Sue glomping him with lightning speed.

Harry pointed his wand at the Sue who was trying to rip Snapes robes off.

"Stupefy!"

The Sue went limp and passed out. Snape promptly shoved her off and hit her with an Immobulus, just in case.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor House"

"Maybe we should try questioning her, y'know see if she has any information on what's happening" Ron offered

"Mr. Weasley this creature is dangerous and should be rid of immediately"

"No Professor the boy has a point" Said Nearly Headless Nick.

"If she could tell us the cause of this perhaps we will be able to eradicate the pest quicker"

Snape glared at Ron, and did so.

"Enverate"

The Sue looked at Snape.

Snape looked at the Sue.

The Sue began to make a strange squealing noise.

The door to the room burst inwards and the second Sue quickly shot something out of a straw at the squealing Sue, who exploded in a shower of pink sparkles.

The Sue looked at the assembled students, Professor and ghosts.

"I guess you wanna know what just happened"

The Sue turned around, checked the hallway and then, satisfied there was no one there handed all assembled humans a piece of pamphlet:

**So, your world/ school/ camp or kingdom has been invaded by Sues**

**Q1: What are Sues?**

**A: Sue (Or Sues/ Scum) are the physical form of bad writing, clichés, and most of all defilement of canon.**

**Q2: What do they look like?**

**A: Depending on where you live they will appear as either:**

"**Beautiful" Additional illegitimate children/ Heirs to the throne/ Dragon Riders/ Ringbearer's/ Half Bloods/ Witches/Veela/Mermaids/ 'Goffs'/ Elven/ Half- Elven Maids/ Betrothed of Legolas Greenleaf/ Horcruxes/ Love Interests/Jedi/ Seers/ Angels/ Demons/ Half Angels/ Half Demon/ Half Angel- Half Demons/ Clumsy Girls/ Sparkly Vampires/Avatars/ Tenth Walkers etc.**

**(Tip: For posterity or piece of mind you may wish to circle whichever ones apply)**

**(Tip: If it is all of the above god have mercy on the writers soul as we shall give none)**

**Q3: How do we rid ourselves of Sues?**

**A: A good healthy dose/ thump of Canon**

**Q4: What is 'Canon'?**

**A: Canon is, put simply the medium (Mostly books, or in some cases films, it**_** is**_** quite fun to go after a Sue with a sharpened DVD) that your story is presented in. This becomes a problem with lengthier books as going after Sue with all three volumes of Lord of The Rings is difficult, although the movie tie in edition with **_**Fellowship, Two Towers **_**and**_** Return of the King **_**in one was a lifesaver. As such most of the time we use spit balls made of the pages the story was printed on, so longer series do come in useful, although heavy.**

**Q5: What do we do about it?**

**A: If you are reading this an Agent has been sent to deal with the problem. You may or may not be forcibly recruited to do so, so watch out as they disguise themselves to blend in.**

**Q6: What is that squealing noise?**

**A: That is a Squee, used to call to it's brethren to attack someone. However, this is also their weakest state, and the best time to attack.**

The Agent waited for someone to speak.

"So? You gonna help me?"

**A/N: This was a long time coming. I honestly have no excuse other than schoolwork and writers block. I Suck, but still I got one done. Don't hate me too much? :3**

** Thankyou to anybody still reading after the break. You get a delicious virtual pastry of your choosing. **Cos I Suck


	6. A Plan is Made

Harry looked somewhat bewildered as he read through the pamphlet.

"So you are an Agent?"

"Yes"

"What's your name?"

""

"No, your real name"

"Oh, Winnona"

There was a crash and a bang and a figure dashed through the doors and into George's arms.

"Georgie Herminoe was totes mean and pood me down the stairs!1"

Winonna spit paper through the straw and the Sue exploded in pink sparkles.

"I think you will all want one of these" Winnona passed them all some ripped up papers from the books and straws.

"So, we need to find out exactly where this Milly is and kill her"

She's really here?":

"Yes, of course, she has changed the world to her whims"

"And the students?"

"The males are drooling over the Sue's and the girls are nowhere to be seen at this point on time. We should send someone to look for the girls"

After conferring, it was decided that the Ghosts would look for the teachers, Fred, George and Snape would look for the girls and Harry, Ron , Hermione and Winnona would clear the way of Sues.

**A/N: Look! It only took me four months to get that out! Although due to my youngest sister spending upwards of six hours a day on it was blocked for three months or so. Anyway to apolpogise the next chapter is a story I wrote for my eldest sister who wished to see a dance off with crack added.**


	7. A Very Cracky Interlude

The powerpuff girls turn up at Hogwarts during a ball and challenge teachers to a dance off and Dumbledore break dances.

Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup were going to fight the greatest fight of their lives. The castle was up ahead, lights and music coming from the great hall

Using all their power they burst through the window into the party in the great hall

"STOP RIGHT THERE EVIL-DOERS!" Blossom shouted, taking a fighting stance.

….

The staff and students of Hogwarts looked in disbelief at the three small girls who were standing on the staff table.

Dumbledore spoke up first.

"Girls, may I ask as to why you have decided to crash through our windows and interrupt our party?"

"It is because we are the Powerpuff Girls! Sworn to defend from all from all evildoers!"

"Excuse me, but what grievance have we made you?"

"It doesn't matter! Prepare to dance!"

Blossom immediately did a pirouette, advancing on Dumbledore, quickly switching to a forwards moonwalk with added arm movements from thriller, stopping in front of him before making complicated movements with her arms, which gave Dumbledore the impression that she may be in pain and in need of help.

While this happening Bubbles advanced on Snape, Step-Dancing her way towards him before _arabesque_-ing in his direction and finally moving with _couru_, finishing with a _grand battement en cloche_ which hit Snape and several students.

"DO YOUR BEST EVIL-DOERS!" Yelled Bubbles, who was promptly distracted by Crookshanks sinking hos teeth and claws into her leg.

"BUBBLES! Nooooo!" Screamed Blossom.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!"

Dumbledore gave her a steely gaze, tied his beard up around his ears and dropped onto his back.

He curled into a foetal position and started spinning on his back, leaping up, crossed his arms and started to dance, waving his arms above3 his head and furiously headbanging.

This was followed by McGonagall picking up Snape and waltzing around with him, silently leading the children out of the room.


End file.
